i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
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