so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
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