you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
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