I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Randomize