I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
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