Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Randomize
