It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
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