So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
