so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
And then he peed in my hair
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