That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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