Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize
