Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
Randomize
