Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
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