so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
