I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
I want a musical about memes.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
