sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
im having a threesome with these popsicles
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
Randomize