So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
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