It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
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