I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
