Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
