Good face, no body. And apparently her vagina is related to chewbaca.
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize