allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Randomize
