I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Randomize
