hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
Free body shot off of Sarah. Expires never.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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