you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Randomize
