I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
The power of my boobs compel you
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
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