nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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