I hope mine doesn't look like that
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
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