so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
