I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Randomize
