I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
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