The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
