What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Just finished my law exam. Questions 4-18 seemed to pertain specifically to things we've done this semester.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Randomize
