made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
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