Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
