i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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