Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
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