my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
so let's talk penis.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
