I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
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