Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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