My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Sorry, I thought I responded to your question. My name is Jon, we kinda had a sleepover at your friends place in OC. Don't know if you remember me, you were "dick chugging" like there was no tomorrow last night.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Randomize
