Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
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