my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
