would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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