sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
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