Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
