Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
There's always time for handjobs
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
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