I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Randomize
