chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Randomize
