I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
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