so explain again why im purple
no
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
Randomize