Have you finally orgasmed yet?
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
Randomize
