So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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