i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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