If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
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