You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
You may now shotgun with the bride
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Randomize
