the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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