Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
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