My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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