You look like a girl that would like strip clubs
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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