She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
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