im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
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