i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize