Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
