phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
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