Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
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