she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
