I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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