I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
