And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Randomize